Bit of a Guilty Conscience

9:56.

I look at the clock just as the seconds hand is beginning a fresh cycle. Tick. Tick. Tick. Deep breath. Yes, that’s it I say to myself, just breathe. I uncross my legs, then immediately cross them again. Left over right. No! Now right over left. How does my collar look? I smooth the lines in jacket. This business attire is foreign to me. I look up at the clock.

9:56 and forty-five seconds.

Exhale.

My name is called.

Dry palms discretely in pant packets.

Now stand with confidence, big smile.

“Pleasure to meet you.”

“And you as well, let’s get started.”

Similar to a first date, a first interview can be nerve-racking (as they were quite frequently for me). I had such an experience on the first of what would be four rounds of interviews for a consulting firm I’ve just been hired to work as an analyst for. Hm, wait. Analyst? Consulting? I thought you were studying civil engineering? Well yes, I am. Oh, okay I see so it’ll be some kind of engineering consulting? Uh well, no, more business management and systems integration.

Pause.

Let me cut in here and say that this wasn’t the future I saw for myself when I started college. Like most people my age, I started college extremely idealistic –probably unreasonably so– I wanted to feel that whatever I did when I graduate d I’d be helping people or doing something that really meant something.

Perhaps some background?

I came from a military family. I was brought up with patriotism and loyalty the way most kids are brought up with religion and God. I was all set to enlist at seventeen right out of high school when my family persuaded me that I could better serve my country by going to college and eventually giving back, improving the state. I was (and still am) enamored with the idea of creating something that can last forever (my draw to literature, I suppose). I had watched a documentary on fresh water. It focused on the privatization as well as the scarcity of the world’s fresh water. I suppose it was in this moment that I thought to myself, “I can really change things with engineering.” And not just change, improve. Unfortunately the unrelenting politics of the construction industry drove me away from civil engineering. And for a moment I considered teaching. I started the application process for Teach for America. They had a strong need for math and science majors.

So how did I end up with the title, “systems integration consulting analyst”? (I’m teased now about being the Chandler Bing of the group, ‘what is Chandler Bing’s job?’)

I know that not everyone can be a teacher. But it scares me that I took a job that doesn’t mean much. There’s something to be said about supporting oneself and being part of the economy and I know that. But what happened to my idealism? I’ll tell you, the forty thousand dollars in student loans sent it running on its way.